Learning to let go was originally posted on December 12, 2022 on my previous website. It touched and inspired a lot of people there, so I am copying it over here, so it has a permanent home.

Original Post

When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of being a mom. I played dolls, helped with my siblings, and my first job was in the nursery at church. Being a mom was always on the radar. In my dreams a career was not set in stone. To be honest I wanted 40 kids, that would not have left much time for a career. In 2004 I started dating this guy and a couple months in I found out I was pregnant. This wasn’t the way I imagined it, but I was in love with the idea of what could be and that… I thought would be enough. More than that I was in love with the little being growing inside of me.

Motherhood would be nothing like I imagined, it would be hard. It would bring endless fears to the surface. It would be the hardest thing I ever did, but it would be the most worthy and wonderful thing I have ever done. Motherhood taught me love in a way that I didn’t understand before. The details of the beginning are not important to the story so I will just summarize. Looking back now I am 99% sure that I went into depression while I was pregnant and had postpartum depression after my daughter was born. The picture-perfect relationship that I once thought we could have fell apart and in January of 2009, I became a single mom with 50% custody.

I would spend the next 14 years cherishing every moment I had her. Trying to get more, but in the end losing time with her to provide for her. I learned not to dwell on the things I was missing but to dwell on all of the things that I did have. We had a roof over our heads, food on the table and I had a job. I focused on being grateful, but I also was a hoarder of memories and of her time during the time I could spend with her. If you think about it, I really only had her for 7 years out of the last 14 (50% custody).

Knowing that time was limited I focused on teaching her the things that I thought were most important first. I focused on life lessons and critical thinking. I focused on Faith, Family and Creativity. The journey was not easy, but I think we did pretty good in the end and that we became adjusted and that we have many memories to look back on and great balanced relationship now.

Here we are one month out to her 18th birthday. Time is up. The guaranteed time of her under my roof is just about over. This is what we as parents work so hard for right? This is the race we run so hard. Once we cross that finish line we have a limited amount of time of celebrating, recuperating and then it is on to a new race. In this case my job for the last 18 years was to prepare my little girl to be ready to fly on her own. It has been my job to protect her and teach her and prepare her for that big world out there. As the time draws near, I know the time our paths will be closely combined in every way is limited.

Sometimes I think she is so ill prepared for the world that I see, but then I think back. Was I really that prepared for the world at her age? Did I prepare her enough? What else can I squeeze in over the next few months?

Part of my heart says I am not ready to let go and let those wobbly wings soar. All of my heart loves the woman that my little girl turned into. She loves the Lord with her whole heart, and she knows her mama will always have a safety net to catch her, let her gain balance and soar again. So, the other part of my heart is ready to watch her go into the world and be a light.

It is hard to switch gears as a parent. Switching from making all the decisions to being an influence is hard. It is hard caring for someone for so long and seeing them all the time to seeing them less often. It is hard but it is so right. So, I am embracing the next year of change. I am embracing the letting go. I am embracing watching her fly. Cherishing all the lasts of childhood and I am embracing all of the firsts of adulthood. I am preparing to embrace being an empty nester. I am so thankful that my husband is by my side with me through it all. Don’t worry I am not going to have a midlife crisis; I am just reflecting on the past and looking towards our future plans.

As my daughter would say it’s like watching the end of Friends. This series is coming to a close and a new series is about to begin. Stay tuned for 2023, the year of change.