When my husband and I got married we were extremely intentionally on a few things from the beginning. I had already been in a failed relationship and didn’t want to go down that road again and I would say that I was his first extremely serious relationship. For both of us this was our first marriage. We were clear from the beginning that divorce was not in our vocabulary. It wasn’t something to joke about and that we were in this until death do us part. The other thing we really focused on was creating a safe haven, a calm home, a place of refuge. Both of us have struggled with depression and somewhat chaotic lives in the past, and we both knew that we wanted to create our home to be a safe place to come home to after dealing with the world all day.

Our Refuge

Until our 5th Anniversary I hadn’t realized that we had succeeded at that goal. Twice in September of 2022, we were told from two different people the same thing. That they appreciated the fact that they felt emotionally safe, peaceful and appreciated in our home. I really didn’t take time to pause and reflect on what they were saying until the second time. I really just shrugged it off as a normal thing and that it wasn’t something special. That was until the last time. Something hit me different.

I stopped and really thought about what they said and how they said it. I realized that now adays there are so many people and so many places that don’t make you feel safe. There are homes that don’t feel like a safe haven. People that don’t strive to make you feel at peace, valued or desired. There are a lot of people that do the exact opposite.

So, what is it that we did differently? How did we create our refuge? In all honesty I am not 100% sure. Was it the fact that we came in with so much baggage and pain from previous lives that we were scared to do repeat history? Maybe our faith and our values played a part in it. Maybe just maybe creating a refuge takes doing the following things intentionally.

1. LAYING GROUND RULES
2. SETTING CLEAR PRIORITIES
3. NOT ASSUMING
4. FORGIVING
5. LISTENING

Ground Rules

Ok that sounds easy enough right. Wrong. It is so easy to mess all of those up. Like I said we came into our marriage with the ground rules of not joking about divorce. We also made sure that honesty and trust were pillars of our relationship. These are things that we chose as rules because of our faith.

Another one that I was very intentional on implementing was that I would submit to my husband. I know people freak out at that word. In all honesty this was the hardest and the easiest thing for me to do. Hear me out I have been in retail management for years. I was a single mom for 7.5 years, I was used to running the show, it was second nature for me to problem solve, think on my feet and just making a quick decision. This bossy woman was getting married and had to learn to put someone else’s desires, someone else opinions into play, I had to learn to stop and not just decide on my own but to seek my husband’s opinion.

So obviously those are all the reasons why it was hard. So how was it the easiest thing I have ever done? Because my husband had set the ground rule for himself that he would love me. I don’t mean just love me but really, really, love me. When you are submitting to someone who you know loves you with everything in them then it is in a way easier because you have trust. One of our biggest issues has been the fact that we try do what we think the other person wants not what they are saying because we think they are saying what we want to hear. With these ground rules we know we can come to each other with dreams, hurts, desires and challenges.

We know that the other will listen, respect the others point of view, approach problems in different ways, comfort each other and be the others biggest cheerleader. My husband always describes himself as a one browser man and that I am his 50 million browser wife. When we are out in public, dealing with difficult situations, or learning something new he requests that I take the lead in the conversation because I am calm and collected and shift through the information quickly.

Setting Clear Priorities

The next thing we did was set priorities; God, Spouse, Children and then extended family and friends. This was also a challenge for me coming into the marriage with tween daughter and split custody. I intentionally had to make sure that the pecking order in our home was correct. It is hard to balance one on one time with your kiddo as their world changes, parenting with a new person and making sure everyone knows they are loved and valued.

My daughter was 11 when my husband and I started dating and she is 18 now. At first, we had our struggles but for years we have had no issues with Junior as the head of the house and that I clear things through him, not in front of her, and that she has value and always will. She calls my husband her bonus dad because she views it as a bonus to have him around. Their relationship is something that I love to watch blossom and grow.

Not Assuming

Learning to not assume in a relationship can be hard. I have learned through the years with my husband but also watching my friends and family and their marriages, husbands and wives do not think alike. We can be in the same room, having the same conversation with the same person and come out with two different views on what happened. We have learned to not assume how the other person is feeling, thinking, wanting or what they are planning on doing. I tried to learn not to say fine if I didn’t mean it. We have both tried extremely hard to be clear about what we are feeling, wanting, thinking and so forth.

We also really communicate our expectations or needs when it comes to household things or family obligations. This takes the guess work out of it and stops the hurt, resentment and anger before it can even happen. Most of the time my husband doesn’t even want to know what I am thinking because it hurts his brain to try to think like I do. We embrace each other’s talents, communicate well and keep honesty a priority.

Forgiving

Now life isn’t all sunshine and roses. We still hurt each other’s feelings or do something the other person doesn’t agree with. We will have minor arguments but come around in grace and forgiveness and deal with the situation. Once we had gotten to the root of the problem then we could apologize, forgive and move forward. This means we don’t hold it over the other person’s head. We seriously move on. This was a hard concept for my husband to grasp at first. He thought it was a trap and that I wasn’t seriously moving on. After all these years he is finally starting to get it. I really believe this allows us to have deep conversation, find out more about the other, and not live in the shadow of negativity.

Listening

It is so important to seriously listen to your partner. Not just the words but what their tone of voice and body language is saying and talk about it. Don’t assume that you understand the words or the tone or the language, ask clarifying questions if needed. Sometimes we don’t realize the persona that we are putting off and are acting ruder than we realize. Also, sometimes it isn’t about the other spouse at all, it is about work, or the person in traffic or a neighbor and they don’t realize they are taking it out on you. So, listen deeply and intently without interrupting and then discuss the talking points.

These things for us have created an environment where we don’t have awkward silence, or large fights or nights in the doghouse. This allows us to sit, co-exist, comfortably in silence or in conversation. It allows us to be frustrated but then 10 minutes later be laughing so hard that our sides hurt. We know without a shadow of a doubt that we are each other’s safe place, comfort and pillar of trust and honesty. That we can rely on each other, and we desire to spend time together. We make a point to spend time doing things the other person likes and they know it is act of love not an act of sacrifice. We speak truth over situations daily and we balance each other well.

Encouragement

Creating a refuge will be different for everyone because everyone’s style of refuge is different. But no matter who you are and what brings you peace and comfort, you have to be intentional and work towards it. Our world is set up to be chaos and fast pass and disconnected, we have to focus and intentionally go against that grain. Once you have your refuge created for those who live in your home, it will become second nature and come easily to those who visit your home. It is something that you may take for granted because you don’t realize how rare it is. It is something that you have to continually work towards while not realizing how successful you have become. I promise you a safe haven, a refuge is something that will be felt by all who enter your home and it is worth the groundwork.

I wish you the best of luck creating your environment of refuge and will be praying over you.

-All My Love-

Jennifer

If you found this blog post encouraging, you may like our series Tea Time with Jen series on YouTube. Plug in your headphones and listen while you do your dishes.

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Jennifer Padilla